Subtle Perspectives
by amethysth
Summary: Though they've "known" each other for years, it takes Lily Evans and James Potter several moments to truly connect.  *Complete*


The first time he sees her, _truly_ sees her, she doesn't even notice him. He's walking back from detention with Sirius, who is still a little buzzed from a hilarious prank they pulled that morning. In the midst of planning something even _more_ exciting for the next day, he finds himself staring out into the courtyard. There, sitting at the far end, is angry, nagging, _ruthless_ Lily Evans, the quietest he's ever seen her (though Remus claims that's her natural disposition, and that apparently he brings out the worst in her), smiling so brilliantly that he'd swear it must be magic. Her hands are clasping Severus Snape's, the two of them probably discussing an assignment, a book, some random experiment, or something equally boring, but the change in them—so completely at ease, _happy_—is enough to startle him. For two years, everyone has known that Snape and Evans are friends, best mates, but even then, James has never seen them interact in this way. They're... different with each other, _free_, and for some reason, he can't help but stare.

**—one—**

"Potter, what the _hell_ do you think you're doing?"

He has half a mind to shout the first sarcastic quip he can think of, already prepared on the tip of his tongue, but the fury in Lily Evans' face makes him stop. He's seen her infuriated before, but something about her at this moment is unsettling. Her cheeks are red, eyes blazing, completely beyond her usual disgruntled comments and irritated (and irritating) lectures. It's their ritual—an occasional prank and a huge shouting match in the middle of the Great Hall—but today, the prank is a fight, the victims are Slytherins, and Evans (who he swears sometimes bites back a smile) isn't amused in the slightest. Usually, he'd laugh it up, grin, and maybe throw her an excuse ("It just happened," or "There's nothing wrong with a healthy duel every now and then," or "The Slytherins are fine, so why do you even care?"). Today, however, despite the fact that the details are blurred (no one involved would be able to trace the first hex, the group of Slytherins they encountered had been looking for a fight and his friends just happened to be in the right place), that look she's giving him, like she's never met a more despicable person, is getting to him. He wants to shout, "Evans, you don't know everything," and remind her that even though they've been in the same House and Year for years, she barely even knows _him_. But she turns away, too angry to face him, and he's left feeling worse.

He doesn't know why her disappointment bothers him.

**—two—**

Lily Evans is probably the oddest person he's ever met. It isn't that she's friends with a Slytherin. (He'd never admit it, but her friendship with Snivellus bugs the hell out of him—not because he's a Slytherin, but because James thinks Snape is awful to her friends and even to _her_, and he doesn't understand how someone so fearless can put up with being treated that way.) Or that she's Muggle-born. (He's completely mystified by Muggles, and he knows that he isn't the only student intrigued by the tales she brings from home every September.) Or even that she's on her way to becoming the most troublesome Gryffindor Prefect Hogwarts has ever had. (Even Sirius wouldn't _excessively _cross her.) It's the way that she's both serious and rowdy, calm and _animated_, a puzzling paradox in the form of a mischievous grin and a reprimanding glance. It absolutely fascinates him how she can spend most of her time studying seriously, only to party with the rest of their House the night before a major exam, how she can be so strict one second and cracking a joke the next. He's never met anyone with the courage to strike back without even thinking, the way she had done the previous week against Mulciber when he'd called her that foul name and even her best mate seemed to be too terrified to react. She's brave (occasionally rash), creative (with the most incredible, sharp wit), and extremely intelligent, and he can't believe he's never noticed before.

"You're _staring_ at Evans _again_," Sirius sings, nudging him in the shoulder to get his attention.

"I am _not_! (And I never was.)" James rolls his eyes. "I'm just... thinking."

"About what?" Remus laughs, arching a brow. "How _pretty_ she is?"

"How you," his friend pokes him again, "want to go out with her?"

"How she's _sucking_ on that sugarquill?"

Sirius barks, clapping Peter on the back, surprised, as Remus makes a face. "_Yes_, Pete, _that_ is exactly what Prongs here is thinking about. He's _dying_ to see her suck on that sugarquill up close."

"Sirius, _stop_!" Remus says, laughing all the while. "I'm not going to be able to look her in the eye during Patrols now!"

"Come on, Moony. You _know_ Prongs was thinking it." He waggles his eyebrows, causing James to blush and immediately avert his eyes from the girl.

Though they return to their wizard chess game, occasionally spewing jokes about stags and flowers sitting in trees (a pubescent Muggle joke Remus contributes), he finds himself watching the red-head from the corner of his eye.

He wonders why he can't get her out of his mind.

**—three—**

"Hey, Evans? Go out with me?"

He doesn't know why he says it again (she'd already rejected him the first time he asked), but something within him _compels_ him to ask, as if in the span of a few hours, she would change her mind. While it's true that he'd really love someone, someone _cool_, to go with him to Hogsmeade (since Sirius has a date, Remus is stuck in the Hospital Wing, and Peter's gone home for the holidays), part of him _desperately_ insists that it be Lily Evans, the only girl he can see himself having an _actual_ conversation with.

However, she doesn't like him, he _knows_ that she doesn't like him, and this fantasy he has of getting to know her (the way, he supposes, only Snape seems to know her) is just that: a stupid fantasy.

So he grins, shrugs her "no" away, and it's over.

(He'd never tell her how much it hurts.)

**—four—**

"I'm so _sick_ of everyone talking about Potter. So what if he's the reason why Gryffindor keeps winning? Maybe he wouldn't be so arrogant if he knew what loss felt like."

He's eavesdropping, but if they hadn't been talking about him (is that what they do when they're together—discuss how much they despise him?), he'd never be in this predicament. It's the morning before the Quidditch Cup Finals, and his team is relying upon him to be there, be prepared (unlike last year, when his nerves completely butchered everything for Gryffindor and he found himself wishing he'd gotten a detention, so he could skip the thing altogether), and do his best. Instead, he's here, creeping in the corridors, trying to figure out just what it is Lily Evans hates about him.

If Sirius were here, he'd tell him to keep moving on, that her opinion doesn't matter, and he'd never understand what he sees in this girl. Remus, who is actually on speaking terms with Evans, would tell him that she doesn't know him, that if she actually did, maybe things would be different between them. Maybe they'd be friends. Peter would always remind him that he has them, his mates, and at least everyone else likes him, right?

But they aren't here, they don't understand, and though he knows it's masochistic, he has to hear what she has to say and _fix_ it.

And so, by the time he finally goes to the Quidditch pitch, mentally exhausted and forced to skip breakfast, he's baffled. His team is counting on him, he wants to be there for them, but Evans' words stay with him. Even before he realizes he's doing it, he's swerving, completely out of focus, unable to throw the quaffle into any of the goals. He's slow, un-alert, and his head is throbbing. Though his team is still somehow managing, it's obvious that they're handicapped, that _he's_ a handicap. He blinks, trying to see clearly, and as someone (Sirius? McGonagall?) shouts his name, he turns around, only to be knocked off his broomstick by a bludger.

When he awakens in the Hospital Wing later, he explains to his mates how strange it feels to have the wind knocked out of him, jesting that maybe he should do it more often. Padfoot jokingly punches him in the arm and seriously tells him how terrified he had been, so much that James finds himself apologizing, promising that he'd be more careful in the future. Moony offers him chocolate, Wormtail delivers the news that Gryffindor had triumphed in the end, and he forces a smile. The rest of the day, all of Gryffindor tower, the Ravenclaw Quidditch team (their opponents), and random girls from every House drop by to wish him well. Instead of welcoming the attention graciously, James spends his entire stay in the infirmary looking out for a certain red-head Prefect, hoping against all odds that she'd visit him as well.

He falls asleep, disappointed, completely missing the green eyes gazing at him so apologetically.

(She'd never felt more sorry.)

**—five—**

James is furious, more furious than his friends have ever seen him, and Lily Evans knows she should back down right away, but her friend is injured and they're just _standing_ there like they aren't responsible at all. She can't believe she'd let herself think that he was finally growing a conscience.

"I never thought you'd stoop so low, Potter. I knew you were cruel and immature, but _this_ is just... unbelievable. What did he ever do to you?"

She's shouting, he can't believe she's shouting, and in that instance, he doesn't care that she's _Lily_, that he respects her, that his mum taught him to be something of a gentleman. He wants to show her that she's being ridiculous, that she's _wrong_ for the first time in her life, and if that means _actually_ screaming the words he's thinking right now, he'll do it. He'll shout them, one by one, until she finally understands. Until she realizes that _he's_ not the issue here, that Snivellus deserves it, and it isn't fair for her to expect him to just take the abuse lying down.

He'll confess that he hasn't always made the right decisions when it comes to Snape. He knows he _should_ be able to take the high ground and turn the other cheek, no matter what hexes he and his Death Eater friends throw his way for amusement. However, this, _this_ is personal, and he'll be damned if he just _lets_ them get away with it.

"Prongs, just leave it alone. She has nothing to do with this."

Remus tries to reason with him as Sirius holds him back, but James is furious and he wants Evans to know exactly why. So he ignores their pleading, disregards Peter's terrified expression, and screams, screams in such a frightening way that Lily suddenly realizes she's never seen him so angry. He's usually calm, able to handle anything she'd thrown his way before, but suddenly, he's _offended_ that she's actually arguing with him, as if he'd expected her to take his side this time, as if he is honestly surprised she hadn't.

Perplexed, she opens her mouth to inquire what _had_ happened that afternoon that he felt the urge to share, but he doesn't even wait for her to do it.

"Peter and Remus were targeted, Evans. _Mobbed_. I don't care if it bothers you; I don't care if you care about him. When my friends are attacked, I stand by them. I would have thought you'd understand." He storms away, his mates trailing after him, leaving Lily Evans even more confused than she had been moments ago.

She finds herself questioning how little about him she actually knows.

**—six—**

It's three on a Saturday morning a few weeks before their O.W.L.s when Lily decides to stay up in the Gryffindor common room alone and study. She's halfway through Transfiguration (the only subject that seems to give her any trouble) when James Potter staggers through the portrait hole, choking. He's covered head-to-toe in splatters of blood, his leg appears to be seriously wounded, and he's wincing so much that she starts panicking, unsure what to do.

"Potter, are you—where were you—do you need me to—?"

He gasps for air, hand clutching his knee, as she helps him to a couch. "Evans, don't—I can't—" James groans then, clearly in pain, until Lily grabs her wand and silently starts healing him. The action surprises him (and her as well) because it's obvious from the way she's biting her lip that she wants to say something, or ask exactly what he was up to and order him away to the Hospital Wing after docking points. She doesn't though, concentrating entirely on the task at hand. When she finishes, his injuries no longer as painful, he struggles to smile, "Thanks," and promptly falls asleep.

The following week, rumors circulate. (_"Did you hear? Some beast attacked Severus Snape by the Whomping Willow after hours Friday night. James Potter saved his life, and Sirius Black had something to do with the whole mess. No one's really sure what happened, actually."_) Lily doesn't really care for them, since Sev refuses to explain and Potter keeps avoiding her in the classes they share and the corridors. Actually, Potter hasn't really spoken with anyone after that night. His mates aren't interacting and when they do, _Remus_, the least boisterous of the bunch, is always shouting and Black, completely unlike himself, is always conceding defeat. Pettigrew keeps to himself, not wanting to get involved, and instead of _fixing_ the problem, as he'd always done in the past, Potter is distant. She doesn't know why it disturbs her that this boy, strangely the most loyal person she's ever known, isn't communicating with his best mates. A Potter without a Black is unheard of, and a Potter who can't be bothered to _help_ his friends in need is... inconceivable.

So inconceivable that she feels the need to _do_ something—anything—to make it better.

"Hey, mind if I sit here?" she asks him in the common room one evening, after every one else has gone to bed.

James nods, as if he knows it's her without even looking. As he sighs, rubbing his temples with one hand, Lily is suddenly aware of how weary he looks. It's obvious that he hasn't been getting _any_ sleep at all, not since that night he'd walked into this room so very broken, and once again, she's struck by that sense of... _wrong_. It's _wrong_ how quiet he is. How she hasn't seen that stupid grin of his for nearly a week, and it's driving her mad. What happened to the James Potter who existed to make people laugh? The James Potter who could always see the bright side of every situation? The James Potter who could utter a bloody word and make _some_ sense? Where is _he_, and why has this ghost suddenly replaced him?

They sit in silence, James' frown deepening with every unsaid question. Eventually, he just sighs and looks up at her. "You want to ask, don't you? Everyone wants to ask."

He catches her off guard. "I just—I just want to know if you're alright," she says.

He laughs at that, the saddest sound she's ever heard, and before she can even react to his response, he's keeled over, hanging off the couch, cracking up so hard that she swears he's crying. It's laughter and tears and irrepressible shrieking all at once, so violent that it's like a part of his soul is shattering against his will, and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it.

Though this is the most awkward position she's ever been in, her hand is reaching for his. He flinches at the touch, either from surprise or pain, so abruptly that she backs away, bewildered.

Finally, _he_ reaches for her, offering her a weak smile. "I just wanted to say... thank you again, Evans. For that night. I'm not sure what I would have done without you."

Lily begins to reply, stops, and nods instead. "I'm just... glad you're alright." When he says nothing, that eerie quiet settling between them again, she blurts out, "You should talk to them."

Instantly, James turns toward her. "Excuse me?"

She bites her lip apprehensively, but now that it's already out, she forces herself to continue. "I don't know what happened between you and your mates, and I _know_ this has nothing to do with me, but I think you should settle whatever's going on with them. Sirius isn't the same without you, I've never seen Remus so... disoriented before, and Peter just looks so alone. It's like... you've stuck by each other through so much, the infamous "marauders" through thick and thin, right? It seems wrong to just throw all of that away, no matter what's happened." When he still doesn't respond, she sighs, heading to her dormitory. "Just my two sickles, Potter."

Though he won't tell her for another three years, her words haunt him. Remus feels betrayed, Sirius is the one who betrayed them, and Peter doesn't know who to side with, so their group is torn, fractured, and _he_ feels responsible. He should have guessed what Sirius was up to after the way Snape had been goading him about his family, especially after he'd just spent the holidays being verbally abused by his parents. He should have been there to talk sense into him—as his best mate, as his true _family_, it was his _duty_. He should have _stopped_ him.

They all failed, in some way or another, but they're marauders, the best of mates, so they should be able to get past this.

He _needs_ them to get past this.

It's strange how Evans, despite the fact that she can't possibly grasp the gravity of the situation (_"Sirius, you could have been expelled! Remus could have ended up _killing_ him, thrown into Azkaban, and what would we do then?"_), is the one who reminds him.

(He didn't realize she cared.)

**—seven—**

She's crying—Lily Evans is crying—and James Potter has never felt like a bigger jerk. Though he knows he isn't completely to blame, that this has probably been a few years in the making, the way Sirius, Remus, and Peter had tried to make him feel better before (_"_You_ didn't call her a... you-know-what. Snape and Evans have been drifting apart for years. It was inevitable. It doesn't have anything to do with you."_) only resulted in him feeling _worse_. He feels he _has_ to say something.

"Evans—Lily, I'm sorry."

She refuses to acknowledge him, not even bothering to hide her tears, until he finally inches closer.

"I shouldn't have... Today shouldn't have happened. I never meant to get between—I never meant to hurt you." The words are leaving him faster than he practiced, and it's obvious that whatever he's saying is coming out all wrong. It _always_ seems to come out wrong. He brushes a hand through his hair, trying to think what _Remus_ would do in a situation like this, but Remus told him not to get involved, and here he is, involved, and only making things worse.

He wishes he knew what to do.

He tries again, searching for the speech he'd rehearsed before he'd thrown himself further into this mess, but she stops him, a somber smile playing on her lips. "Please... I'd like to be alone."

James isn't sure he believes her, but he's afraid of hurting her even more, so he simply nods, turning away.

(She almost wishes he had stayed.)

**—eight—**

"This is a... You're _joking_, right?" She doesn't mean to say it so incredulously, but how else is she supposed to react to the fact that James Potter—_not_ Remus Lupin, like everyone had predicted—is actually Head Boy?

He smiles a little nervously, and slowly sits opposite her in the Heads compartment. "Sorry. I'm afraid it's the truth." Fingering the badge attached to his robe, he grins, once again the confident Quidditch Captain she remembers. "Go ahead, Evans. Laugh."

Lily blinks, until he starts chuckling uncontrollably, as if to show her how it's done. "Potter, you've lost your mind."

He laughs again, more naturally this time. "No, no, I haven't! I'm just making the best of a... bizarre situation. You should have seen Sirius when he found out. _'I can't believe you'd BETRAY me in this way, Prongs. Head Boy? Are you serious? Who will plot pranks or drink fire-whiskey with me? And what about Quidditch—you can't _possibly_ be Captain _and_ Head Boy? Next, you'll actually start studying and become a stick-in-the-mud like Moony here! What am I supposed to do_ all _year_ without you?'"

She laughs then, amused more by James' high-pitched, feminine "Sirius Black" voice than his friend's melodramatics. It isn't until he starts to tell her _another_ Sirius story that she realizes how it's been a while since she'd last spoken with James Potter (has it really been an entire year?), and he isn't at all like she remembers.

It's not that he's _different_, she later amends, but that he's _comfortable_.

While she still has her reservations (amusing or not, James Potter really _is_ a known slacker, and she refuses to end up doing all the work this year just because Professor Dumbledore really _has_ gone mad), she 's intrigued.

She'd missed how _animated_ he seemed to make everything.

**—nine—**

"I don't understand it."

It's a Hogsmeade weekend and Head Girl Lily Evans is spending the day tutoring First Years instead. He, somehow free for the day, is in the quaint village with his best mate, discussing... Well, he isn't quite sure _what_ they're discussing.

Sirius frowns. "You've been spending a lot of time with her."

"Sirius, she's Head Girl. _Of course_ I'm spending time with her. There's always so much to do, we have patrols, and I just don't... want to let anyone down." He whispers the last part of the sentence, but Sirius hears it anyway and sighs.

"Prongs, you're not going to let your dad down if you're not Head Boy. I know your mum would be proud, but she'd have wanted you to be happy too. And this watered-down version of yourself cannot possibly make you happy."

James shakes his head, protesting. "But I _am_ happy, Padfoot. She's actually... smart and kind and hilarious and absolutely crazy, _barking mad_. I can't remember the last time I felt so incredibly _alive_." He pauses, the goofiest grin on his face. "Besides, it's already December. Way too late to back out of this gig now."

Sirius stares, unprepared for this explanation. "You actually—You're still—I thought you were over her!"

"I _am_!" he insists. "We're just mates."

"Mates," his best friend reiterates slowly.

It's obvious he doesn't believe him.

**—ten—**

"I _know_ you did it," James teases as they patrol through the corridors one Friday evening.

She blinks up at him, the picture of innocence. "Did what?"

He laughs, happy to elaborate because it really is hilarious and he's dying to say it again. "_You_ pranked _Sirius_ this morning. _Sirius Black_, marauder extraordinaire."

She rolls her eyes at that, ignoring the mirth dancing in James Potter's gaze. "I don't understand why you guys still insist on calling yourselves by that ridiculous name."

"It's not ridiculous! It's who we are! Our _identity_. What kind of mischief-makers would we be without an identity?" He's rambling, as he always seems to do when he gets riled up and passionate, or just a little nervous.

Lily laughs when he starts muttering to himself, no longer talking about pranksters and names, but... something else altogether. She'd never confess, but a flustered James Potter is strangely the most adorable sight she's ever seen.

As they head back to the common room, grinning the entire way, a note lands in her hair.

_The incident this morning was a fluke. This means war, Evans. _

_—Padfoot_

"I _told_ you he'd want revenge. You've piqued his interest now. Sadly, I bet he'll spend the next few months 'settling the score'. Like it or not, you're one of us now, Evans."

Though she's sure he's joking (he isn't), and she's never properly spoken to Sirius Black, 'the next few months' couldn't possibly sound any sweeter.

**—eleven—**

James clenches his fist, holding his wand out in front of him with his other hand, but refusing to attack. (Later, he'd swear up and down that nothing had happened, but the truth is that Severus Snape _wants_ this, _needs_ it, and _he_ doesn't want to be the one to give it to him.)

"What? Suddenly you're friends with Lil—_Evans_ and you're 'too good' to stick around and fight? Pathetic."

He closes his eyes, as if the sight of the malice in the Slytherin's glowering face would make him forget. The last thing he wants to do is anything rash. As he breathes in deeply, trying to come up with some way to end this without completely botching up his entire relationship with Lily, Snape doesn't even hesitate. Before James can understand that he's been hexed, blood is gushing from his face and chest, wounds deeper than anything he'd received from their shenanigans at the Whomping Willow. He staggers backward, collapsing to the floor, when, at the last second, someone catches him, struggling to support his weight.

James winces, knowing it's Lily without even looking. "I didn't... want you to see."

She says nothing, turning away from Snape to help James Potter to the Hospital Wing in silence.

(It's the last time she's forced to make that choice.)

**—twelve—**

The very last time she sees him, she doesn't even know that this will be the last time. They've been married for two years, in love even longer, and best friends for what seems like an eternity, and Lily can hardly believe that _this_ is actually her life. It's storming, and James is distracting Harry from the sound of thunder by making rainbow puffs of smoke come out of his wand. Instead of crying, as he might have done in response to the loud crackling, their son is laughing, trying to capture the moment in his tiny fists. Before eventually handing him over to his wife, James sneaks up on Harry and seizes one of his hands with his own, grinning as the baby boy decides to grab his nose in return.

Eying the clasped hands, she's suddenly reminded of an earlier memory from about three years ago, during the last moments they'd spent at Hogwarts Castle. The two of them had been lying in the courtyard, reminiscing about their earlier days ("Days of Utter Stupidity," as James had dubbed them) when she'd leaned against his chest and casually entwined his fingers with hers. "Back then," she'd wondered aloud, "did you think we'd end up here, like this? Did you ever think about what you'd want at this moment, before we'd have to say good bye?"

Though she hadn't known what she was asking, the words leaving her lips before even _she_ could grasp them, James had understood right away.

"No," he'd whispered against her lips, claiming them seconds after. "All I'd ever really wanted was to hold your hand."

She realizes now, after all this time, that it's all she'd ever wanted too.

**—Fin—**

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**_Author's Note_**_: I'd really appreciate feedback, so please, review! Thank you so much for reading! :D  
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_This was written for the 2010 Summer Lily/James fest over on LiveJournal, in response to the prompt, _ "It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy; it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others." [Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility]._ It was a huge mess when I first wrote it, so many thanks to my two editors, moon_destiny and touchthesoul. I originally intended to add more to the Sirius-and-James-in-Hogsmeade scene (Sirius was supposed to be protective about James, worried that Lily Evans might break his heart again), but I could never get it to fit. I also wanted to add more to the Snape-James-post-Lily/James-friendship scene (well, I meant to add a scene before that with Snape trying to talk to Lily about being friends again and telling her to be careful with Potter and that he didn't understand what she was doing with him to begin with), but again, it didn't fit in that scene and adding a non-James/Lily interaction scene seemed ridiculous since every scene involves both of them in some way and this one would just be inconsistent and glaring. Though this fic is finished, I might go back and add some 'deleted moments' feature and include both of those, if anyone is interested. Thanks!  
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